Allowed

There is freedom in allowing yourself to feel certain things.

For instance, I'm allowed to feel sorry for myself on occasion, and I'm pretty good at at it when I do it, if I do say so myself.

I like to curl up with some form of chocolate, get wrapped in a warm blanket, forgo a shower, and just sit and cry sometimes.

Cancer treatments are hard.

That statement has to be the understatement of the century.

I'm willingly poisoning (the nurses don't like that word) myself to kill something that is killing me.

I'm also willingly putting all sorts of drugs in my system, including steroids, to help said poison to do its job. (And to apparently gain all sorts of fun weight.)

It's HARD to repeat that process over and over and over and over... you get it.

Here's what I tend to feel sorry for myself over lately:

Feeling nauseated almost all the time
A piece of my intestine is sticking out of my stomach
I'm reliant on a medical plastic appliance to do my "number two"
I still have an open wound from my surgery in June that needs dressings changed daily (by my awesome hubby who thankfully doesn't gag when he does it--not sure I would be the same way)
I've gained over thirty pounds due to the steroids so I had to ask for bigger sized clothing from family and friends because all of a sudden nothing fit me
My hair is thinning--everywhere there is hair including my eyebrows and eyelashes
I'm officially going through menopause in March of this year because radiation fried my ovaries
I have to use certain appliances to keep my lady parts the way they need to be on a regular (almost daily) basis for future examinations and if I ever want to be intimate with my husband again
I have large scars
Chemo week (any chemo week is just plain awful)

I feel sorry for myself a lot, but after I feel sorry for myself, I always look at the flip side of everything I feel sorry for myself for--once I'm done bawling my eyes out.

For example (in the same order)

I have a couple days when I'm not as nauseated when I am able to get things done around the house I wanted to get done.
I'm able to still use the bathroom. No one likes to use the bathroom, and now I just have a new way of not liking to use the bathroom.
The wound is healing even if it is healing slowly.
The weight gain is wanted by the doctors, and I'm a personal trainer for heaven's sake. I know how to lose it again. Besides, it'll come off when I stop the steroids anyway.
My hair is now short and a cute pixie cut. I've done that a couple times before and it's now saving me a lot of time and much-needed energy. Makeup can cover the rest of the hair issues.
Not having a period isn't such a horrible thing. I don't know if I'll get on hormones eventually or not, but that's not really on my mind right now.
The appliances hurt, but Iv'e been told they will be a help in the long run.
Scars are just evidence of something that happened. Now I have some sweet scar stories.
With every chemo week there is a good off-chemo week.

Also, I only have five infusions left. Hopefully for forever...

There's always something to be grateful for even when we're feeling sorry for ourselves. Feeling sorry for yourself is a totally acceptable emotion. I just prefer to pull myself out of it as fast as possible because it helps me move on with my day and with my life.

That's why I love the saying, "Pause. Breathe. Cry if you must, but KEEP GOING."

Keep going, my friends, if you feel yourself in a similar funk. Life is HARD. It throws a lot of curve balls at you, but it is so worth it to LIVE.