I Miss Her

I miss her.

The only tough decision she had was deciding which college to attend. No health problems, lots of friends, and a bright future.

However, not much growth, either. She mostly thought about herself and doing the things she wanted to do. She was full of dreams of what might happen in her life. Naively believing everything would be perfect--like it's always been.

I miss her.

So happy and so in love. Blissfully unaware of the difficulties that lay ahead due to taking on someone else's flaws and still working on her own. Unaware of how devastating and amazingly wonderful a life with another person who is just as weird as you and loves you as much as you love him is. She still had big dreams that she decided to put on hold because she found a man who adored her. She had had stretchmarks since puberty and knocked knees, but otherwise her body was perfect, and he thought so too.

I miss her.

In spite of having a blood clot that doctors couldn't believe she could get so young while on birth control, she was excited that getting off of that birth control was giving her the gift of motherhood. That motherhood gave her a second clot, but she was having a baby! Who cared that her stretchmarks had significantly increased. Who cared that they look like bright red bear claw marks. She was having a son!

Blissfully unaware of the struggles that come with having a child to care for on top of a marriage to keep as a priority. Unaware of the unending mess that comes from little hands that would always ruin her once-nice things.

(Completely worth it, though.)

I miss her.

She was active, she had lost her baby weight, and she felt sexy! She was running six miles every other day without any joint pain and all while pushing her baby in his jogging stroller. Nothing was stopping her! She was able to be the hot mom she wanted to be.
Her marriage wasn't as great as she had hoped with a husband who was in optometry school and gone studying all the time, but she also had hope that it would get better after graduation (and it did) so she persevered. She had a supportive and large group of girl friends who where in a similar situation as herself who kept her sane (and in some cases, married). Blissfully unaware of the troubles that were already there and that were coming.

I miss her.

She was excited and pregnant with identical twin girls! She had difficulty exercising, but she didn't care. She still did pregnancy exercises that made her husband and son laugh (belly-dancing videos for pregnancy are the best for giggles). She had doctors appointments to get to, a small rented townhouse to prepare for two more little feet, and a three year old to take care of.
Blissfully unaware that she wouldn't ever get to take those two babies home. That she wouldn't hear their little feet running around her house with their brother who was so excited to meet them, and that she instead would be putting them in the ground.

I miss her.

She was grieving, but she was pregnant with her rainbow baby! After a miscarriage following the death of the twins, she was ecstatic! Her body still worked, she was living where she has wanted to live her whole life, and she was loving life with her four year old who still giggled at her pregnancy workouts. She knew that this time she would definitely be able to take this baby home. She had a little depression, but she didn't care. That wasn't going to dampen her spirits. She was having another girl!

Blissfully unaware that there was something growing inside her body that wasn't her baby that would shatter her world yet again.

I miss her.

She moved to a new and surprisingly difficult place, but that wasn't going to get her down. She lost the baby weight again, and this time it was harder than the other times, but she was fit, and healthy. She was a powerhouse! She could work out all day if she felt like it! A personal trainer. A group fitness instructor. A force to be reckoned with!

Blissfully unaware that the pain she was feeling after bowel movements was a sign of trouble before an even bigger sign of trouble.

I miss her.

Bagless, happily married, happy with her children, fertile, fit, otherwise healthy her. Only two of those things has stayed the same.

I know her.

She is strong.

She is courageous.

She can do hard things.

She is faithful.

She is powerful.

She is smart.

She is capable.

She is wise.

She loves her body.

She cares for her body.

But, She is NOT her body.